The Jolly Elf

The Jolly Elf

By Cevin Soling

Deep within the groves of the Coconut Vally ...

in a remote section of Cuba, there lived a ...

Jolly Elf.

Not only was he jolly, but he was merry too.

The Jolly Elf's songs could be heard throughout the entire valley, where he kept local residents up all night long.

Now, in most situations, neighbors complains about noise ~~ especially when it's "Get Up and Boogie" and other disco hits of the Seventies sung at four in the morning.

These residents, however, never complained, except maybe amongst themselves. And there's a reason too.

It's bacause the elf was criminally insane and collected shrunken heads. So, the local townfolk feared him. Whenever they spoke of him, they refered to him as "that psycho jolly merry killer elf who loves to sing (especially at four in the morning). "

The townfolk knew they had a problem. So they went to the yellow pages to see if they could find a knight who would be willing to destroy the psycho jolly merry killer elf who loves to sing (espically at four in the morining)."

They were unable, however, to find even one knight who would accept the chanllenge. For while there is great honour to be gained by slaughtering a ferocious fire-breathing dragon, there is very little for hacking and maiming a midget. So the folk of Coconut Valley were stuck with the psycho jolly merry killer elf who loves to sing (espicially at four in the morning). There's a moral in there somewhere.

When the townsfolk that lived deep within the groves of the Coconut Valley in a remote section of Cuba realized that property values were declining due to the physcho jolly merry killer elf who loves to sing (especially at four in the morning), the town was in an uproar.

They quickly organized a lynch mob and went to find the elf. Their cries for blood echoed throughout the valley, until they reached the ears of the psycho jolly merry killer elf who loves to sing (especially at four in the morning).

Without hesitation, the elf cast a spell that immobilized all the townsfolk of the Coconut Valley. Well, alomost all the townsfolk. For some reason his spell did not affect the Mayer of Coconut Valley.

This is bacause civil servants are used to being in a state of inertia, so immobility would not impede them from performing as they usually do. When news of the elf's deed spread, there was a bit more interest in the cause. The task of slaying a dwarf did not seem too difficult, but since he was magical, one could still boast. Realizing this, two knights came to the valley to slay the elf: Sir Render and Sir Real. Both were relative unknowns who hoped to gain some publicity.

Before taking on the elf, the knights negotiated with the Mayor of Coconut Valley as to sponsorships, the Cable TV rights to the slaying, and how much the Mayer intended to spend on promotion and advertising. This plan was counterproductive, as the massive media blitz warned the psycho jolly merry killer elf who loves to sing (especially at four in the morning).

Shortly before the battle was to commence, the elf offered Sir Real some psychedelic mushrooms and a half dozen buttons of peyote if he would end his crusade. Sir Real agreed to think about it. After ingesting a button or two, he considered the antelopes that were grazing on his skin and all the wondrous stars he inhaled every time he breathed. The pharaohs smiled at him and he knew he was one with all things.

With Sir Real disposed of, Sir Render decided to give up as well. The Mayor took a big loss with the promotional efforts, but hey, it was the taxpayers' money anyhow, and seeing as they were all paralyzed, his reelection wasn't in jeopardy. After a couple of days, the elf became quite dejected that his singing bothered no one. He lifted his spell and freed the people of Coconut Valley ...

only to be beaten to death ...

and have his head shrunken, where it eventually found its way into the Smithsonian Museum.

---The End----